The Wildfires of Summer 2020 “As Within, So Without” Ranger Life During the Covid Era
The traffic on the radio was thick as I turned off the highway heading towards the trailhead. I could also see the scary and impressive plume of smoke that the fire was producing miles away. It hit me in the gut and I did not imagine that the fire was this close to my beloved area. As I drove closer and closer to the trailhead and the fire came into view. I watched smoke jumpers jump out of the planes and my eyes followed their parachutes as they floated down amongst the flames. I had the opportunity to hang out with some of those guys the previous year on a different fire. It was impressive to watch to say the least and wild to see them on the frontlines of danger. They are the most experienced though so I wished them the best by giving them a wink from a distance.
I was a bit nervous hiking in that afternoon and was questioning the decision of being sent out there to evacuate all of the wilderness users. I tried reaching out to the head district ranger via the radio before hiking in but heard no response. I threw the heavy fire shelter below the lid of my pack along with the yellow fire shirt. I thought oh well here we go, I’ll give it a shot. After a couple of miles the trail enters what is left of the forest from a previous out of control fire complex back in the day. The trees were welcomed for the shade they provided and along with a nice sense of peace and calm even though just beyond a couple of ridges the fire raged. For me it was as the saying goes, “Out of sight, out of mind” referring to the smoke plume. I took a deep breath and decided to trust everything would be okay. I passed a fellow ranger who was on his way out and he mentioned that there were 6 groups at the main lake and 1 group at an adjacent lake. The group that was at the adjacent lk were older folk and had llamas while mentioning that they would need three hours to pack up. I thanked him for the info and kept trudging along in the late afternoon.
It was a 5:00 in the afternoon and I was a half mile from the first lake when the district ranger got a hold of me on the radio instructing me that I would wrangle up everyone that evening and hike out behind them that night back to the trailhead. I had a split reaction. First off I was relieved that I would hike out soon and drive away from the threat of fire. The other part of me was bummed because I was looking forward to being out there all by myself for a bit. (The original plan was to be out for potentially a couple of nights.)
As soon as I got to the first lake I dropped my heavy pack and ran around the lake to check in with everyone. I informed the people that we were all hiking out that night due to the proximity of the fire. Most groups were in total agreement with only a few wanting to question the decision. Once I had found everyone I hiked up to find the older folks with the llamas. I found them and explained that I would be hiking out with them that night too. Luckily it did not take them three hours to pack up, maybe only half that time.
The clock turned 8 and the daylight had almost ran out as I left the lake, only 4.5 miles to go to the trailhead. I checked in with dispatch via the radio to let them know that I would be out of service for the night around 11:00 p.m. They informed me that they would be off duty at 8:00. I felt like I was being left out to dry with no backup and limited cell service only kind of near the trailhead. I was disheartened and had the feeling of being a lone ranger out there. I put my headlamp on my head, twirled my shovel a few times in my hand and kept hiking. I followed closely along with the older folks. As dispatch signed off the radio at 8:30 I felt the lifeline disappear. I decided there was no point in keeping the radio on so I turned it off. (Later I was reminded that I was told to keep it on while implementing the original plan of staying out there, woops).
The stars were bright and every once and awhile I would stop and lean my heavy pack on a large boulder and look up. I felt so small and vulnerable out there between the immensity of the starry sky and the orange flames glowing in the distance. Nature is so grand and powerful and we humans are just a small slice of the pie. Even though the pack was heavy and I was a bit parched from the lack of time for self care I appreciated this time out at night. Usually I’m inspecting my eyelids at this time while lying in my tent. I eventually made it out and made contact with the office. I was even greeted by the law enforcement officer’s flashlight and his dog which turned out to be nice company for the last half mile of the hike. I fell asleep exhausted that night and thankful to be safe and sound.
After all of that excitement the smoke became thick and lingered around many parts of Oregon. So many areas, buildings and people were under threat due to the erratic spread of the fires with a couple of days of windy conditions. Everyone was under the hazy smoky skies. Wilderness areas along with structures that have been sacred to many people burned down especially on the western slopes of the Cascades. My beloved basin was on the edge of the fire and had already dodged a fire earlier in the summer. If the winds had come from a different direction I could have lost one of the only places where I feel at home and seek refuge in this crazy world.
Before starting this summer as my 2nd season as a wilderness ranger I experienced an amazing winter. I felt as though I packed in 2 winters into 2 months. I traveled from ski town to ski town skiing iconic ski areas while crashing on couches of friends and in a vehicle in many parking lots. I even had the privilege of going to one of my favorite places in this world to ski, Canada. I was invited on a lodge based ski touring trip where you fly via helicopter and get dropped off in the middle of paradise for a week. For a week we skied great lines with deep stable snow. It was the kind of trip I had dreamed of as a little kid. I remember sitting around the dinner table one night and we were joking about the Corona Virus with our Canadian hut keepers. This was in mid-February and we had no idea how it was about to unfold… a few weeks later borders shutdown and the world turned upside down. Throughout the summer I thought of that week as the weather was hot and the trails were dusty. I realized how fortunate I was to have had that opportunity up there in Canada before everything shifted.
I felt lucky to have a job due to everything that was going on with the new world and I was not too psyched in going back to the same gig. I tried to be optimistic but the previous season’s ‘stuff’ came all back during our first meeting of the summer. Right off the bat I remember feeling like, “Here we go again.” When things are not cleared they tend to follow you around. I had previously struggled with a coworker in the past season and the pattern continued through this summer. Looking at it from a different perspective maybe there was something I was fighting within me and it was being reflected on the outside by this one person. We can blame a lot on other people for our own suffering or our mishaps but it really comes down how we show up despite adversity we face. Perhaps it was a opportunity for growth that I did my best with. I struggle with hierarchy or unequal levels partnership and people who lack the interpersonal skills to be in a position that requires those specific skills. I think it comes from my natal chart as my ascendant is libra and libra is always looking for conscious co-equal partnership and balance in all realms.
I remember hearing about 2020 a few years ago as a year of great caution, to tread lightly around issues and to be careful with your actions. This year marks the most powerful global configuration of stars in 12,800 years as researched by Daniel Giamario. We all have seen important issues that have been inflamed and have risen above the surface in so many facets of life. This year also highlights and reminds us of “The Great Turning” another prominent cycle that we are experiencing. Joanna Macy speaks to this in her amazing work. In her words she writes, “We call it the Great Turning and see it as the essential adventure of our time. It involves the transition from a doomed economy of industrial growth to a life-sustaining society committed to the recovery of our world. This transition is already well under way.”
Our recent government institution has not gone in this way though and has opened up the potential for drilling for oil in many protected areas while trying to maximize the financial economy over the health of the earth and all its inhabitants. All of these decisions have led to the ‘Great Churning.’ This has been experienced on the global level as well as on a personal level. The earth as a nurturer or the Great Mother (our birth mothers are surrogates that have the pleasure of delivering us here) could be seen as reacting to what is all going on. The turmoil within the governing bodies and the decisions that have been made are reflected in real time from the fires, the smoke, the pandemic and the injustice. So “As within, so without” is illustrated here as the world heats up so do the conflicts everywhere.
The “As within, so without” along with “As above, so below” I learned through Shamanic Astrology. The sayings represent to me metaphors in the world. When the stars are aligned in certain ways they will dictate what is going on down here on earth. When something isn’t quite right within myself it will be reflected in my surroundings. Also while going on nature wanderings and asking specific questions answers show up in metaphors, symbols and signs all around you if one is able to listen and pay attention while attuning to nature. It is as if nature is mirroring our own internal drama or thoughts.
As I have written before nature has provided me with many answers through the ways written above. The point of life is not to be a hedonist and seek happiness all the time. Life is only fulfilling when we can look back and make meaning out of it. We can distract ourselves until we die seeking pleasure all the time or face what is coming up within. Every day we get the opportunity to make choices. By working through or with whatever is on the inside we will have the chance of feeling that contentment. I think it is also okay though to have those healthy fulfilling distractions. It is just when we are trying to bypass the work of being human through spiritual bypass or distractions like workaholicism we get into trouble. I think one of my biggest fears would be to be lying on my deathbed and still wondering who the heck I was.
On a personal level I was struggling too. In relating to the job, I felt as I was repeating something that I knew did not already serve me in professional and personal growth sort of way. I felt the isolation from spring of quarantined lives and the lack of the usual social fare. The ranger job did not help with what I already was suffering. Periods of loneliness and doubt came in waves as I wandered through the mountains during my weeklong shifts and also during my off periods. I felt successful though just showing up for myself as much as I could and to work all days. The survival job of being a wilderness ranger took my energy away from my goals of developing programs to help others on their own path to becoming their true selves and finding purpose in life.
Maybe this blog post is a great example of how one can suffer if one does not follow their heart. Don’t get me wrong though, getting paid to wander in the woods with a shovel in hand can be pretty awesome. I miss the quiet, watching the sun come up and go down and getting multiple nights of sleeping on the ground. In the bouts with loneliness their were wonderful times of solitude. The office views were amazing as well. Sometimes you need to shake it up a bit. I read that your Soul likes movement, I move around a lot within a given year and sometimes when I get stuck in one spot doing something that isn’t aligned with my vision I get pulled down and depressed. Depression is a pushing down, a squashing of one’s vitality and emotions that want to speak up but are hushed. Depression is what comes our way when we are not on our path or make decisions that do not serve us. Sometimes we have or make opportunities and we don’t follow them because of the anxiety we feel. One explanation of anxiety is that it is excitement without the breath. By moving towards anxiety we have the chance of feeling awesome on the other side but by not taking advantage of opportunities we feel depressed and lack the energy to do the necessary tasks in order to heal. I think it is “A major bummer man”(Big Lebowski) that admitting you are depressed is looked down upon or one can feel even more shame for talking about it. I was pretty depressed for the first part of the summer, I think walking away from the first meeting at the Forest Service I realized I had already let myself down for not taking the time to figure out some other survival gig for the summer.
Synchronicities occur when you are in alignment your purpose, passion, and the activities and people that you find yourself around feel right. One might reach a “Flow state” where things come with ease and Déjà vu might occur. Magic happens when 3 things line up, you have all your necessary tools, whatever you may be doing or pursuing is aligned with your original life intent and it is the right timing. From a Shamanic Astrology perspective the planets initiate us through different cycles. Some are openings where if we are on the right path there is a good chance that magic will happen. Other planetary initiations give us an ‘opportunity’ for growth. There are the other times as well when everything seems to be going against you or everything seems chaotic. 2020 has been one of those times and growth is happening all around us. All of the social injustice is in the spotlight and changes are being made for the positive.
I’m not sure if I would have made it through the summer ranger season if I did not take a vacation in early August. Sometimes when you are depressed and your vision/scope is limited you can benefit from broadening your perspective and going after things that nourish you. By hitting the road and visiting the people that fill my heart and adventuring in other mountains, I was able to (re)member who I was and what inspired me. I ventured eastward towards the northern Rockies to catch up with wonderful friends and to seek out different views. I love driving east on I-90 under the big open skies of Montana. I headed south from Bozeman down to Jackson, WY and met up with a fellow ranger from the year before. We headed into the Wind River Range for 4 nights and a broadened perspective. The mountains are so beautiful and rugged, it is just a different feel in the Rockies, a little more raw and a little more wild. Driving back westward to Oregon my cup was filled and I was ready to embrace the rest of the summer.
After having taken off my pack for the last time while wearing the full pickle suit uniform I feel a lot more relaxed. I feel both the physical and emotional weight has been lifted off my shoulders and have had the chance to get back to what really matters to me. I’m writing again and redesigning or “pivoting” as they say. I’ll be rolling out my new offering soon so that I can help assist others in finding their purpose and living a meaningful life. It is my hope that through writing, sharing, and speaking my stories with authenticity that it will help others to do the same.
Will I go back to wilderness rangering in the future? I’m not sure yet and time will tell… William Bridges reminds us that, “Change is situational. Transition, on the other hand is psychological. It is not those events but rather the inner reorientation and self-redefinition that you have to go through in order to incorporate any of those changes into your life. Without a transition, a change is just a rearrangement of the furniture. Unless transition happens, the change won’t work, because it won’t take.”